"never the thing you expect, always the thing you deserve"

there is so so so so much in that statement. so much that makes me want to hold onto jay and never let him go.

Jay doesn't want to get married soon or have kids ever but he does say:

10:09
i want to run a long race with you
10:09
if you will run with me, plan ahead!
10:09
what you want to do, what you want to choose

me: i confronted mom about how unacceptable it is that with every othe rboyfriend they tacitly accepted him and with you the first thing they did was be extremely prejudiced. they couldnt even bother to do twenty seconds of research o realize youre not even middle eastern. pisses me off.

its a little bit perturbing that the only genuinely nice guy i've been with is the one that theyre all put off about

you know i'm a rabid defender of anyone i care about, of course i'd do it for you
Jay: but why do they say what they say?
me: blind prejudice and ignorance
and i'm apparently, now as opposed to before, the "beloved daughter" and somehow they finally woke up and realized that i need cared for too
regardless, i've been fending for myself for years

things with jay have been going great.
really, really great.
talking about marriage and moving to canada doesnt freak me out.

since when?
i'm the one who freaks out at the idea of sleeping with teh same guy twice and now i'm okay talking about spending the rest of my life with this one?

he must be something special.

well, its been like three weeks of this dating thing...and we've both said "I love you". good thing? scary thing?
so far so good...

i do believe i've gone off the deep end.
i'm totally sober and am sleeping in the shirt jay left here a few days ago. it smells so much like him..since when do i do that?


and this poem is haunting me



i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh … And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill
of under me you so quite new


ee cummings

remember the post I wrote about my perfect man?
Click here

i re-read it...and Jay fits absolutely every one of those things.


i'm flabbergasted.

so Meg and I drove down to Baltimore for a night to alleviate our winter break cabin fever.
we spent a few hours with jay and darius to pregame, then went, of course, to the house.
jay had just gotten back from bahrain, and between lots of tequila and missing him, i took him home and meg went home with darius. so far so good.
except, problems.
1. i let jay stay the night. which he knows i never do.
2. in the morning he was being oddly 'sincere'. and said "i really do like you" in several manners
3. the tone of his texts very quickly changed after that night
4. when i asked robert douglas, my go to brother, he said it was obvious to everyone else that jay was falling in love with me. further research revealed some nice compliments about how i'm awesome and of course everyone loves me, as well as corroboration of the specific circumstance.

initially i panicked. because after all, i'm no longer designed for a relationship. i'm designed for loving sluttiness. so i was planning out how to let him off and still remain the really good friendship we had

sounds pretty straightforward

except i blew it all. when i went to tell him that...i ended up telling him what i was too scared to admit to the brothers. which would have been fine, but apparently he was ALSO in love with smita. so he needed two days to 'decide'.
naturally i was upset. embarassed, mad, etc.

i distanced myself for those two days, and nobly didn't hassle or nag.

eventually, in a terse text while i was at the house playing pong, he 'chose me'

so far, its been a little rocky.
mostly because i explained my parameters about still being allowed to verbally flirt and so forth because i will / would never physically escalate
and then he proceeded to get jealous and weird a few nights
communication has been helping though...so far so good, there

everyone who has found out thinks we're 'adorable' or something similar...which is okay, though odd for me to hear.

last night he was over and i jokingly demanded a compliment...and he took my face between his hands and said that the other night he was watching me sleep (? i know right) and realized that "every single one of [your] features is flawless. [i] notice it every time"

...a compliment i neither expected or had every recieved. i've heard that my ass is perfect, i've heard my eyes are mesmerizing, i've heard a lot of things.
a novel compliment, spontaneous or otherwise, is a big selling point.

who knows where this is going...hopefully somewhere good?
not so sure about the whole green card marriage, but so far so good.

PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN:

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs..
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN:

6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.
7:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.



PERFECT DAY FOR ME:

6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:00 Lounge by pool
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe. 3 beers.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs..
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless crew.
4:30 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old sex addicts.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.